tumblr-TUMBLEr.

So the cycle never ends.

on my thoughts lately. I honestly think ive lost almost everything. I feel like im all alone. Ive tasted the sweetness of having people in my life and now that theyre gone, im lonelier than ever. I dont even know which one is worse now. being alone from the beginning like how i was before or being left alone after i found out how great to have people around. I mean I still have “friends” or whatever they claim to be i guess. Its just not the same. 

my so called bestfriend. you’re no friend at all. You weren’t there for me like i was there for you. yet you post shit like you know what friendship really is. why dont you take a step back and look at yourself? ” friendship isnt about whom you have known for the longest. Its about who came and never left your side.” I have never left your fucking side. You left my side. I opened up and told you how i felt. You didnt give me a minute of your time to reply to me. You just ignored it. So you think i really left your side? when youre the one thats at fault? You can keep on turning your words against me. but I know it wasnt me. cuz i was always trying to keep our friendship going unlike you. Never have you came to me. Not even a “hey, whats up?” you never cared to check on me. yet i still was nice and being a good friend trying to do shit for you. i tried to take you out for your birthday. but you dont appreciate it. and you think im all about money? if i was all about money then why would i even care to take you out for your birthday when you still werent paying me back? so you think i did anything wrong to you? im the wrong one just because i gave you my piece of mind on how you were treating me and making me feel? why am i still upset when you dont give a fuck? oh yea, its cuz i cared about our friendship more than you. you can just throw it away like its some garbage. fuck you, im not gona make a fool out of myself by trying to work this shit anymore. you can stick to your guns and think you were never wrong. im so sorry but i have to eliminate you from my life. i cant keep on getting hurt by you. even if youre not doing anything, the fact that youre not doing anything will hurt me. 

love. I dont even know where to fucking start with this shit. im hurt. but i know im hurt cuz youve been hurt by me. I honestly dont know these days. I think back and i know how horrible ive been. i honestly regret all the wrongs ive done. i pretty much ruined the chances of us being just completely happy. If you were to never come back to me id probably regret and think about all the shit i did to you and how much you got hurt. and if you were to come back to me and give me another chance, i probably wont take it anyway. because i dont know if im going to hurt you again. like all those times you gave me chances, i didnt mean to fuck it up. i didnt mean to hurt you. but i did. how can i guarantee you of something that im not even sure myself? I dont know whats good anymore. all i know is that i fucked it up from the beginning to the end. now im just so fucking sick and tired of myself. its like im sinking deeper and deeper day by day. i dont know what to do. i can never escape the past or my thoughts. what i did to you, what you did to me. it makes me ill. i did love you though. and still do. but what can we do when we have gone this bad? its sickening. but i know im responsible for all of this.

family. you all say you miss me. but you guys never check on me. im always calling you guys. i think its ok to call me once or twice a year… but whatever, things are complicated as is anyway. but i think there are ways you can show me that you care about me even if you guys honestly really cant call me. 

im just so fucking sick of people thinking im totally fine. like im such a happy individual. like i got it all. like i got a lot of friends or some shit when deep inside i just feel like im all alone. im just not happy with myself. im not happy with how things turned out to be the way it is now. but i know im accountable for it in some way. im a big believer of karma and maybe thats what it is. well i guess im paying off the debt now. better than later.

you won’t come back

i know it.

insecurities.

IN THE END, THINGS AREN’T AS PRETTY AS THEY USED TO BE.

you know what I don’t get?
when I’m trying to make things better
but the only way it seems to be going is down.
down down down. 
& I don’t know if it’s me or you
but things gets harder and complicated
every fucking time I try.